omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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