Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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