Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
