I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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