i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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