Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
