I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
