I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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