Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
