i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
