Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
