the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
