Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
