Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
