If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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