My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
