when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
