I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
