so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
