im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
