went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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