I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
