Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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