Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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