The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize