no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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