Swine flu is the new snow day.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
