First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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