so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
