I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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