Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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