remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
