omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
