Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
