Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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