I am midnight drunk by noon
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
