I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
