I think i peed on brittanys purse
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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