the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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