Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
