Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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