dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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