I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
