Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
