Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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