This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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