We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
