my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
