so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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