Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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