I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize