Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize