his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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