I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
