Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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