I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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