She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
