WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
