I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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