Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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