You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
