No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
